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Writer's Block: What Makes You Feel Sexy?

What makes you feel sexy?

It had been three months since i had a drop of alcohol, so on friday when i partied anew i discovered my buzz to be a quiet sensual awareness. Then it dawned on me that my deep and intimate love for said feeling is beyond dangerous. I AM a 21-year old alcoholic and it frightens me.

well well

I'm enjoying a Cantena Malbec red with muenster cheese on pumpkin seed cheddar crackers as my "Wine O'clock" snack. Furtada for dinner, and tomorrow's is at Hotel ZaZa's Monarch restaurant for my birthday.The establishment is the epitome of eclectic.  I will be wearing silk, sequin, Prada, a lone diamond and a feather in my hair.

Turning 21 on Monday..............

Things you have done during your lifetime:

(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
( ) Been bungee-jumping
(x) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced for two hours or more
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
(x) Had your wisdom teeth taken out
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
(x) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(x) Spent the night in jail
(x) Enjoyed the beauty of a ballet
( ) Seen the Statue of Liberty
(x) Drank home-made wines in another country
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(x) Been on a cruise
(x) Camped on the beach
(x) Hiked in the Alps
(x) Traveled by train
(x) Traveled by motorcycle
(x) Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco Cable Car
(x) Been to Disneyland --- and Disney World
(x) Been paid to have your picture taken
(x) Been in a room filled with toddlers
( ) Stepped on a snake
(x) Been to the Rocky Horror picture show
( ) Been IN the Rocky Horror picture show
( ) Skipped out on paying a meal's bill
(x) Truly believed in the power of prayer
(x) Been in a parade
(X) Been in a vehicle-totalling car accident
(x) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(x) Walked the streets of Vienna
(x) Ridden on an elephant
(x) Swam with dolphins
(x) Been to a concentration camp
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
(x) Dated with the intention of marrying
( ) Been spinnaker flying
(x) Been water-skiing
(x) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Been to Rome
(x) Been on a Gondola ride in Venice
(x) Dined within listening distance from a bonafide celebrity
(x) Drank water from a farm well
( ) Sang with the choir
(x) Swam in the Adriatic
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Football League game
(x) Rode on a Lippizaner
(x) Learned how to pray
(x) Spent more than $1,000 in a day
( ) Performed surgery
( ) Had surgery
(x) Galloped on a horse
(x) Convinced yourself you've fallen in love at first sight

capsule shaped escape

 My Autobiography 
Five Short Chapters

(Inspired by Jeremy O'Brien)


1. I walk down the street.
     There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
     I fall in.....
     I am lost.....
     I am helpless.....
     It isn't my fault.
     It takes forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the same street.
     There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
     I pretend I don't see it....
     I fall in again....
     I can't believe I am in the same place....
     But it isn't my fault.
     It still takes a long time to get out.
3. I walk down the same street.
     There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
     I see it there...
     I still fall in...
     It's a habit...
     I know where I am...
     It is my fault.
     I get out immediatly.
4. I walk down the same street.
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk..
       I walk around it.
5. I walk down a different street. 



Writer's Block: Life Changes

What change have you made in your life that you're most proud of?
I haven't smoked pot for almost two years now. I went from getting high 3 or 4 times a day, to this. I never thought I would stop smoking. I did, I drew the line, I did did did. Me, noone else.

Writer's Block: Personal Strength

Where do you find your personal strength?
I have first hand experience in the understanding of the psychological and emotional survival of a person facing bipolar disorder. I've struggled with it for some time now, and find refuge in the many successes of the afflicted. Manic Depression existed in Axl Rose, Ralph Waldo Emerson, F Scott Fitzgerald, Emily Dickinson, Isaac Newton, Vincent van Gogh, Plato, Edgar Allen Poe, Mark Twain, Mozart, Hans Christian Andersen, Agatha Christie, Winston Churchill, Marilyn Monroe, Napoleon, Robert E Lee, Abraham Lincoln, and Walt Whitman. I have not to fear the future as all these great heroes have gone before me (yes, I'm aware I may be butchering a quote). I could go on and on but I'll leave it at this for now

good beat

we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends dont dance
And if they dont dance
Well they're no friends of mine
Say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Because you're one far behind

We can dance

We can go where we want to
The night is young and so am i
And we can dress real neat
From out hats to our feet
Then surprise them with a big trick ride
Say, we can act if we want to
If we dont, nobody will
And you can act real rude
And totally removed
And i can act like an imbusil

Say, we can dance
We can dance
Everything's outta control

We can dance
We can dance
We're doing it more and more
We can dance
We can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance
We can dance
Everybody's taking the cha-nce
It's safe to dance
Oh well, it's safe to dance
Yes, it's safe to dance

We can dance if we want to
We've got all your life and mine
As long as we abuse it
Never gonna lose it
Everything will work out right
I say, we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
Because your friends dont dance
And if they dont dance
Well they're no friends of mine

I say, we can dance
We can dance
Everything's outta control
We can dance
We can dance
We're doing it more and more
We can dance
We can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance
We can dance
Everybody's taking the cha-ance
Well, it's safe to dance
Yes, it's safe to dance
Well, it's safe to dance
Oh well, it's safe to dance
Ah yes, it's safe to dance
Well, it's safe to dance
It's safe to dance
It's safe to dance

What would your best friend say makes you great? What about your parents or siblings?

best friend
: something along the lines of..."more than words but i'll try and dig back through the last 6 years for some. she's a best friend to end all best friends. it started in halloween and spring snow then in dance and "ers" code and pinky sneak out windows to candy neclace trampolines and eventually portapotties and utah and steamboat with running cds snowcones brushstealers and the everpresent math with len in the sand and nooks and life or death rache&maula&blaine lex and trip hurling pencils across the room and soggy long distance and soggy fries with the same strong heart beat music zues and literature. always tulsa and the coles in our hearts. "i miss the innocence i've known. playing kiss covers, beautiful and stoned." s&d until sideways 8 infinity"
my mother: would say i am a natural on a horse and a "funky little dresser"
my pops: would say I've always brought him tons of smiles
my brother: would say I'm a great writer

Michael David: Vamp! Vogue!

more under cut! ...Collapse )

Zugey Garcia: 1930's vogue-inspired editorial

many more under cut! ...Collapse )

February of my 21st year of life

What was it about the desert the left me stumbling for words? Words were human tools - but this... this vision had nothing to do with us; it had occurred in spite of us. I felt like I was trespassing. I was a rude speck on an ancient tapestry. Then I felt grateful. I wasn't sure to whom - God or Buddha or the Big Bang - but while I stared, while there was no past or future, just the sky and the lake, I felt that I had been let in on some kind of Utopia. In a matter of minutes, as the sun continued to rise, the brilliance died - like everything beautiful had to. |Everything Beautiful by Simmone Howell|



To all those I haven't spoken with about such matters:


I'm taking a semester off...for inspirational purposes (oh and also the balancing
of my meds). In all the hustle and bustle of the past 6 months or
so, I failed to set aside time for reflection
or the honoring of an ever-necessary
creative outlet. I overloaded my schedule to the point that I had no
 time to really breathe, much less write and read (feats essential
to the well being of my soul, as my close friends
know). In the past 4 weeks since my
Medical Withdrawal, I can safely say I am finally
 feeling, if only vaguely, “well-rested.” I've dedicated
much of my time to the accumulation of that ever-precious inspiration.
 I'm also getting back in the saddle, but this time
for a more biofeedback-ready endeavor: Dressage. It's as
much a great physical undertaking as it is a
mental one. I am desperately in need of a place to direct those
energies, and am excited to start
lessons in the coming week.


Hesitation to dive into the world of writing is still a lingering deterrent in my
recovery process. I know the only way to get that river really
flowing is to write everyday, and write everyday like it's an
exercise. Something in me is still road-blocked. It is without a
doubt under-toned by my manic-depression, which, following my January
cruise, flared up and into the atmosphere of agitation.


I'm working on pinpointing when and
where my manic surfaced. It's hard
to tell an ordinary person of
the terrors of being happy;
Unless there is a damned good
reason for it, something objective
and verifiable like a winning lottery
number or a negative biopsy, excessive
happiness isn't a safe harbor for me; It is just
another checkpoint on the road to mania (so nicely
put by Terri Cheney). So when did I start enjoying life
inordinately again? Happiness management is indeed
a cruel science, in which I continuously catch myself
rattlesnake-ready to defend the unquestionably
chemically-induced glee as something
completely normal. Respecting it as
a warning sign and treating it as
such would bring an end to the
refreshing gladness that so consumes
me. See, three-fourths manic is the most
euphorically elated state of mind one can find
oneself in, a dreamlike state that the chemically-balanced
can only begin to imagine. Simply put: "hypomania is that
idyllic interlude just before mania when all of your senses are in
a state of heightened arousal." Imagine epiphany after epiphany,
filling you with a thrilling joy and an exciting, new and
un-jaded perspective on all the grandeur that is life.
It’s too bad that manic epiphanies are
but shooting stars, flashes
of brilliance gone
in an instant.

When the glory of hypomania
expires, and it always does, the reality
of days to come are as follows (medical term
here would be rapid-cycling): From the moment
I awake, and every minute thereafter, I become
a quivering mass of volatility: up, down,
irate, flirtatious, contentious, giddy,
seductive, paranoid; I assume
half a dozen different personalities
between daybreak and dusk (Manic, 236).
It's no wonder the next step in my usual bipolar
swing is utter exhaustion. At this point
my every synapse begs for quiet--a
thick, womblike quiet, which
will wrap all around me and
keep despair and worries at
bay. It never comes. I
wake each day completely
defeated, with no sparkle or
twinkle to revive my spirits in sight.
Nothing feels right or seems to go even
remotely right. I succumb to the feeling that I
just cannot win. I am overwhelmed into emotional paralysis.



The saddest part about all of this is that I can look f
orward only to a renewed sense of stability
that allows me to belong again, but to
everyone except myself; The disorder is
too disturbing for most everyone
to identify with, or have comforting
platitudes for (Manic, 101). The difference
between ‘manic me’ and ‘depressive me’ is steep
and startling, and I always find ‘depressive me’ feeling
incapable of entertaining even my closest friends,
much less any of the very many people I won over in
my hypomania. See, hypomania (so explained by Cheney)
breaks down the invisible wall that exists between
well-mannered strangers; There are no strangers
anymore, only unknown friends, waiting
to tell me their stories. My electric wit
and I do nothing but dazzle and charm, from
dusk til dawn, day in and day out, leap and bound
after leap and bound. That is until the sensation subsides
and I quickly find myself completely deflated by
depression. The last thing I want to do is
be around others. Even returning a call
can seem doomsday-difficult. I cannot muster
the energy to be of interest to a single soul, as my
own sits battered and bruised by the
incessant internal bipolar
babbling I believe
myself incapable of battling.
Another inherent challenge
is sobriety. (Borrowing
the words of Terri Cheney,
again) I think of alcohol
as alchemy, an instant mood
magician. The trouble
is that at this juncture, alcohol
destabilizes me instantly,
and interacts adversely with every
one of my new meds.
The perceived mood cure-all, alcohol,
becomes a wicked temptation
when partnered with that “I can’t impress
anyone, I’m boring, I’m
dull, I’m slow, I’m dragging them down, I’m in
no way interesting, it’s useless,
I’m useless” mentality. In my mind, alcohol slowly morphs
into the mythological end-all to this
bleak existence. But alcohol has, in the past, been single-handedly
responsible for the kicking aside of any chance of
neurological repair and the kick-starting of that same old vicious cycle, fast and furious without
a pause, just as bad or worse than the one before it.

I’m sorry I can’t manage to write more. It is a good start though, I suppose.


Oh and my father, the trauma surgeon,
just asked me how to spell Bandaid.
That’s cause for laughter, right?
Well, it did make me smile
wryly which is as good
a sign as any. Bye
for now


I've decided that if I end up wealthy in my older years I will use my money to start designing jewelry. It'll be a hell of a creative outlet. Below are the bios and some work by my two favorite artisans. Be sure to read the descriptions above each piece to fully understand my inclination towards this artform.



Jeanine Payer
Jeanine Payer is a San Francisco artist whose jewelry summons powerful emotions: portraits that reinterpret memory, fleeting images of angels, suggestions of family and the passage of generations. She was trained in both drawing and sculpture, but also has a keen understanding of poetry and a rare ability to realize its unique power in a visual and decorative medium. Her work often fuses strong poetic themes with actual reduced images: miniature 22kt gold angel wings surrounding a time-worn image of a child, book pendants engraved with excerpts from the works of great poets such as Rainer Maria Rilke and Lao-tzu and adorned with semi-precious gems. The pieces are small, but their impact derives from the potent and evocative associations she is able to capture - an effect unique to this artist. Each piece demonstrates Payer's highly developed eye for detail, a remarkable taste in poetry and art, and a formidable technical expertise. She has been internationally recognized for her ability to design and create highly crafted collector's quality jewelry. Payer continues to change and expand her line in ways that are endlessly surprising and satisfying.

illumination necklace

"To the illuminated mind the whole world burns and sparkles with light." Emerson's quote, engraved upon Jeanine Payer's brushed sterling pendant, is brought to life with a sparkling aquamarine briolette. Two-strand sterling chain. Sundance exclusive. S-hook clasp. Handmade in USA. 16"L.

44721    $390.00


muse necklace

"In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems." Text by Rumi, an ancient Sufi poet, begins on the first sterling tab, extends across the back of the second. A Sundance exclusive handmade in USA by Jeanine Payer. S-hook clasp. 18"L.

46397  $330.00 


bronte ring

A proclamation of independence by Emily Bronte graces the sterling pebble that pivots atop Jeanine Payer's band: "I'll walk where my own nature would be leading." Made and engraved by hand in USA. Whole sizes 5 to 9.

45615  $620.00 


true self bracelet

If Jeanine Payer's sterling tab represents the physical, her transparent blue aquamarine symbolizes the spiritual. A quote from Cicero is engraved upon the former: "The spirit is the true self." Three sterling strands connect with an S-hook clasp. Handmade in USA. 7-1/2"L.

46616  $330.00 




Jes MaHarry
Jes MaHarry's SunHorse ranch is in the Ojai valley, a couple of miles outside town. Room to roam for the herd of animals the artist has been collecting - the horses, dogs, cats. The aged parrot. The pair of wild burros, just rescued from starvation in the Nevada desert. MaHarry and her partner, metalsmith Patrick Henderson, have only been on this land for a few months. They've already built a house filled with light, a hay barn, and an expanded Sun Horse workshop - not to mention corrals, paths and the beginnings of a semi-desert garden. She wanted to make jewelry before she knew how to. MaHarry comes from a family of artists in New York State. "Family tradition gave me the freedom to experiment, to take risks and create the life and art I wanted." Her earliest pieces used found objects: earrings made with feathers, creek stones and rusty bottle caps; old washers pounded into rings. She taught herself the fine art of silversmithing, then worked drudge jobs after college to finance her jewelry-making equipment, purchasing one piece at a time. Now her palette includes authentic African trade beads, gaspeite, Tibetan turquoise, oxblood coral, sterling silver and 14k gold. "People say my pieces make them feel good; some people wear my jewelry as a personal amulet". If the pieces bring good luck, I think maybe it comes from my absolute love of doing it. Of designing every piece. "Maybe the good luck comes out from what goes into the work - passion, hope, and some feeling for risk, for adventure, for overcoming any challenge."

"live love" ring

A trio of hearts is hand cast into Jes MaHarry's 14kt gold band: one for the past, one for the present, one for the future. Inside is inscribed, "Live a life of love." Made in USA exclusively for Sundance. Whole sizes 5 to 9.

35504    $360.00


cherub ring

In Jes MaHarry's imagination, these three stones were kissed with color by an angel: lavender tanzanite, pink tourmaline and glowing citrine. The slender 14kt gold band is etched inside with "love life." Exclusive. Handmade in USA in whole sizes 5 to 9.

46733    $1,100.00


diamond eternal love ring

Six glittering diamonds are set between hearts etched in 14kt gold. Inside, Jes MaHarry writes "eternal love." Hand cast in USA in rose, yellow or white gold. Whole sizes 5 to 8.

38412  $2,200.00 


hidden heart turquoise ring

Jes MaHarry tucks a tiny heart beneath a sterling band inscribed with "peace, love + truth." She crowns the ring with turquoise framed in 14kt gold. Exclusive. Handmade in USA. Whole sizes 5 to 9. 

45622  $540.00 


full gallop ring

The exhilaration of riding her horse at full gallop inspired Jes MaHarry to create this rustic sterling band, the protrusions her interpretation of equine hoof prints. Inscribed inside is, "Love Forever." Handmade in USA. Whole sizes 5 to 9.

46367  $190.00



. . . Thoughts?